Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, April 23

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Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Todd was determined to win over his lovely girl that evening. After dinner at a posh restaurant he took her for a moonlight stroll along the beach. As they stared at the moon he said "I have loved you more than you will ever know." "So I was right," she responded, slapping him across the face. "You did take advantage of me when I was drunk last Saturday night!" _____________________________________________________ 2 "My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling his father. "Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly." "I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue...." _____________________________________________________ 3 Illinois A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. Montana, Helena A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. (That is the weight of army boots.) New Jersey, Liberty Corner Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. Ohio, Cleveland Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio - a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" Utah, Tremonton No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed. Virginia, Romboch In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on. Wyoming, Newcastle An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer! ____________________________________________________ 4 One day little Johnny's teacher was teaching the class about agriculture. To help with this, she was showing pictures of farm equipment. She puts up the first picture, "What is this a picture of class?" she asks. Little Suzy puts up her hand and Johnny sticks up his hand. Of course, the teacher just knows that Johnny has something dirty in mind and picks Suzy."What is this Suzy?". "Its a rake". "Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" she asks and points at the next picture. Johnny's hand shoots up and, little Anne politely puts up her hand, and once again the teacher ignores little Johnny. "That's a pitchfork" says little Suzy. "Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" The teacher asks once more. Dead silence, only one student has their hand up, and of course its little Johnny. Seeming as though no one else was volunteering, the teacher asked Johnny. "OK Johnny, what is this?". All of a sudden Johnny realizes he doesn't know the answer. "UH, UH, its a shovel, yeah, it's a shovel." "No Johnny, this isn't a shovel, this is a hoe". "What?!?! My sister's a hoe and she doesn't look nutin' like that!!" _____________________________________________________ 5 A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well, so they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist." Flabergasted, the guy responded, "Yes, that's amazing. How did you figure that out ?" The girl said, "Easy. You keep washing your hands." One thing led to another, so they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. After they were done, the girl said, "You must be a great dentist!" The guy was very very surprised, and said, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist, How did you figure that out?" The girl replied, "Easy. I didn't feel a thing!" _____________________________________________________ 6 While making love to his wife, Martin discovered he couldn't enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he reflected unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?" "Why no, not at all." said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that?" "Well... no reason actually." the bored husband replied with a sigh, "It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actually moved like women do." =====================================================





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