Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, August 22

Thank you, Norm!!!

Enjoy!
Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed . . . "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments later he called out: "Looks like the Anderson's have company". "Matt's riding a new bike." "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in be! d!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??" "Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too. ____________________________________________________ 2 A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, b ut she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." ____________________________________________________ 3 Mary: Yeah! So I said, "Well, I want my virginity back!" Mary: Did you hear that Linda got a great new job? Jill: Really? I wish I could do that. I'd like a change for the better. Mary: Well, you can always do what she did. Jill: What's that? Mary: Don't wear panties to the interview. ____________________________________________________ 4 Mary: Oh, there's Susan at that table by the window, and just look at that skimpy outfit she's wearing! Jill: Why are you so surprised? On "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," she took her kid with her to her spot on the corner of Fifth and Main. ____________________________________________________ 5 Nina, Jill and Mary were duly impressed when Rosey arrived for their weekly bridge game, wearing a gorgeous new mink coat. "That's a lovely mink, Rosey," purred Nina "It must have cost you a fortune!" "But it didn't," said Rosey. "What do you mean it didn't," asked Mary "Just a single piece of arse." replied Rosey "You mean," continued Jill, "you got that just for having sex with your husband?" "No," smiled Rosey, "THE piece of arse he got from his new secretary." ____________________________________________________ 6 The night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth. As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, "Are you going to me able to manage OK?" I said, "I feel weak and dizzy. Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me." The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, "Nice try." ____________________________________________________ 7 The Socialite telephoned her son-in-law and was berating him for the rumors she'd heard about his affair with a typist who worked for him. "You obviously don't appreciate the difference between a woman of breeding and position and a cheap little office slut." his mother-in-Law admonished him. The man replied, "And you my dear Mother Johnson obviously don't appreciate the difference between dignified acquiescence and true enthusiastic cooperation." =====================================================





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