Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, January 19
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Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation with a vehement sermon that alcohol was the work of the devil. "As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?" A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water." The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?" The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure, I can tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass!" ____________________________________________________ 2 "Working on nuclear submarines is not hazardous," a military lecturer insisted. The soldiers in the audience were skeptical, but he persisted. "For example," he said, "some seamen stay on board for three to four years. And at the same time, their wives give birth to perfectly healthy babies." ____________________________________________________ 3 One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay shed. When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom level of the hay shed. He decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, "Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove." So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go." ____________________________________________________ 4 Rabbi Levy is addressing the 'Enlighten Your Daughter' meeting of the synagogue women's guild. "Ladies," he says, "I'm sure some of you know by now that the unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to his wife Sadie's dead body." A number of 'Oy Veys' are heard from the ladies present. "You might also be interested to know," the Rabbi goes on to say, "that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his actions were entirely innocent and accidental. So although we are all feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to be learned. Ladies, go back home to your daughters and tell them that when making love with a good Jewish husband, if they are awake, they should please make a little wiggle now and then." ____________________________________________________ 5 Mr. Cleaver told his wife, "I think we need to find a new baby-sitter for little Wally. This Judi is just too worldly- wise for a teenager." "But Wally said she told him some sort of interesting story about animals last night," Mrs. Cleaver replied, "Uh huh. And when I asked little Wally about it, he said it was about a wolf who was trapped into giving a mink to a fox with a beaver." ___________________________________________________ 6 Redneck Valentines Poem Roses are red, or are they blue? Hell I don't know but i do like you. I love you more than my truck's tires. Yer more useful than my old rusty pliers. You cook a good deer and fry a good egg, just wish you'd shave that hair off your legs. If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face, It's okay, I'll still feel the same, I'll just keep on tellin my buddies, yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes. Yer my pride and joys, What a lady! But hows come we do it only when it's my payday? When I ran over ya with my truck, you didn't even say "ouch." And you are so cute, when you wipe your boogers under the couch. I hope we stay together, at least a couple more days- cuz i'm really horney and I want to get laid. ___________________________________________________ 7 Engineering Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (What they say versus what they mean) A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.) Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.) An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.) Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!) Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.) Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.) Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!) The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.) It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.) We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.) Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.) Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.) Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.) See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.) All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.) Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.) Robust! (Rugged, but more so) Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged) Years of development. (One finally worked) Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.) No maintenance. (Impossible to fix) Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix) Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.) We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!) I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.) =====================================================




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