Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, July 7

(`v)
Ophelia
________________________________________________________

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money, 
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________
1
A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:
" Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his upturned face, "without you we are but
dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very
obedient little girl (who was listening carefully)
leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her
shrill little girl voice,

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.

______________________________________________________
2
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather

in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were 
completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to 
visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and 
respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was 
the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little 
different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat 
the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't 
played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him

'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't 
been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls
him 
'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't 
been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still 
calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they 
still call me 'The Fucking Mexican' !

______________________________________________________
3
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the
hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find
a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a
Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and
over the hill,

into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it
now?"

And Adam said
"What's a headache?"

_______________________________________________________
4
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned
that his students might be a little confused about Jesus
Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His
birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the
birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary
was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." 

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I
know, I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and
waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a
loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how
he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets
up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Jesus Christ!
Are you still in there!'"

________________________________________________________
5
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and
asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to
use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked
her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"

The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might
swallow it."

"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.

"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?"
the girl queried.

"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.

Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my
butt, Doc!"

The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the
thermometer, either."

_____________________________________________________
6
At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A.
what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too
embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could
write out the answer. 

After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury
foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the
jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman
juror sitting next to him.
He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to fuck you
like you've never been fucked before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his
pocket.

"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered
the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal.

_____________________________________________________
7
All Hail to the glandular Girlie...
The sight of whose bust makes you squirlie
It is never too late
to MANipulate
And, of course, it is never to early!

________________________________________________________
8
Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking
about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can
be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's
going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation
for himself, and Paul agrees to join him.

When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal
pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human
waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so
Jesus decides to take action and strides across the
waves.

Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy
water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea.
Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus
keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up
to Paul's chin.

"Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but
I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm
going to drown."

At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul.
"Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the
pipe like me, you silly prick?"

________________________________________________________







Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
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