Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Friday, September 22
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses!?" the private screamed. "I thought you said whorehouses!" ____________________________________________________ 2 Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The nextday I stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat. Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking. Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading. ____________________________________________________ 3 A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!" ____________________________________________________ 4 British Scientist magazine reported that researchers are struggling to understand a common medical condition affecting women in England where sufferers have sex while they're asleep. The name of the disease is called "marriage." ____________________________________________________ 5 A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands. One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She pulls open the coat and yells, "Time for Super Sex"!!!!!. He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex" - "Super Sex", "Super Sex"!!!! Finally, he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup." ____________________________________________________ 6 A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you." "Why, because you miss me?" "No, because it keeps me from cumming too fast." ____________________________________________________ 7 Wedding Telegrams The Bureau of Meteorology forcasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a few good inches overnight. Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments. "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it." Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink. Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted. Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She'll last for many years. Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door. Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk. If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air. Go for it mate. We all did! All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids. She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was on her and off her. Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring. Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route. Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant. Travel Agency to Bride: The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it. Football coach to bride: If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him off. Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500. =====================================================

Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter
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