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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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PRIVACY Good Morning, ! Today is Tuesday, January 21 (¯`v´¯) Ophelia
Please vote for me at the EzineFinder Thanks for voting for me!
Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter.
__________________________________________ 1 A door to door salesman is making his rounds through the neighborhood and knocks on the next house on his list. A little boy answers the door and the salesman says, "Hi, is your mother in?" "Yes, said the boy, she's out in the back yard screwing the goat." "No," says the salesman, "I don't believe it!" The boy says, "Come and see for yourself." So the salesman looked in the back yard, and sure enough, there was the mom bent over with a large goat screwing her from behind. The salesman said to the boy, "Isn't she afraid she'll get pregnant?" The boy says, "N-a-a-a-a-a-a-"
2 A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars", and then, ask your brother "if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!" The boy then went to his brother! and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. but realistically,....... we're living with two sluts and a queer"
3 There was an aesthetic young Miss Who thought it the apex of bliss To jazz herself silly With the bud of a lily, Then go to the garden and piss.
4 Not satisfied with the results he got from his family doctor, a balding man sought out an alternative treatment for his hair loss. A friend referred him to a scientist who had been testing a chemical that showed great promise. Within a week after taking the recommended dosage, a heavy growth of hair appeared on the bald man's scalp. He was very happy at first, but soon became alarmed when hair began to grow uncontrollably all over his body. After two weeks, he returned to see the scientist. "What the hell did you give me?" he demanded. "It was DNA from a Woolly Mammoth." "Aha!" exclaimed the man. "That would explain the size of my balls!"
5 "Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. "Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked. "Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
6 If you came across Nancy Pelosi struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing her or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
7 DEAR DIARY MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table. TUESDAY! I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. WEDNESDAY! The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and gentleman. THUESDAY! Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if do not give in to his indecent proposals! FRIDAY This afternoon I saved 1600 lives. Twice!!!
8 A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Garge. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,Garge, how was your day?" Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes." Well, the doctor did not believe him either. ====================================================
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Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================