Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, February 23

(`v)
Ophelia

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.

_________________________________________________________ 1 Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like my hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?" Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left my hat." _________________________________________________________ 2 An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There were two teenage boys in line behind him. They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was. After five minutes of this the man turned to the boys and asked them politely to stop, as he couldn't help his weight problem. With this the boys asked: Oh, and why are you so fat Mister? The Man turned around and replied: "Well, every time I screwed your mother, she gave me a cookie." _________________________________________________________ 3 An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem to concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects. A bible A silver dollar A bottle of whisky And a playboy magazine. "I"ll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, "I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum. The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them Finally, he picked up the Bible, shook it to see if any money fell out, and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this months centerfold. "Lord have mercy." the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress." _________________________________________________________ 4 "I've taken so many showers to fight temptation," the Priest told his superior, "that now every time it rains, I get an erection." _________________________________________________________ 5 The woman was happily showing off her BMW. "It was nice of your husband to buy you that new car," said a friend. "Nice nothing! He had to," explained the woman. "I caught him in bed with the maid." "Oh, how dreadful!" replied the friend, sympathetically. "Well, did you fire her?" "Certainly not! I still need all new matching outfits to go with the car!" _________________________________________________________ 6 The latest Kinsey Report reveals that Americans are woefully ignorant of the basic facts of life. The majority, for example, knows where babies come from, but fewer than 20% apparently know how they get there. Even worse, 36% believe that bondage is something you wrap around a cut finger. _________________________________________________________ 7 There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store. The first little baby said, "Ugh, the worst thing in the world -- my mom just bought pablum!" The second baby said, "Well, this is worse -- my mom just bought strained peas!" The third baby said, "You think that's bad. How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!" _________________________________________________________ 8 Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample." The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask an orthodox virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. " The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, He's a businessman. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal... just a sample." She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references." 6 The latest Kinsey Report reveals that Americans are woefully ignorant of the basic facts of life. The majority, for example, knows where babies come from, but fewer than 20% apparently know how they get there. Even worse, 36% believe that bondage is something you wrap around a cut finger. _________________________________________________________


Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
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