Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Today is Saturday, April 21


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? ____________________________________________________ 2 >From Kelly Grandfather's advice This should once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said ....."Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your pecker look smaller." ____________________________________________________ 3 Military 1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports. 2018 - everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done. 1945 - we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home. 2018 - they put the real thing in the cockpit. 1945 - if you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off. 2018 - if you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career. 1945 - you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him. 2018 - you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo. 1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them. 2018 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and the water always taste like plastic. 1945 - officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect. 2018 - officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie. 1945 - they collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it. 2018 - they collect your pee and analyze it. 1945 - if you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the brig until you straightened up. 2018 - if you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever. 1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own. 2018 - medals are awarded to people who shuffle paper at headquarters. 1945 - you slept in barracks like a soldier. 2018 - you sleep in a dormitory like a college kid. 1945 - you ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all the food you needed. 2018 - you eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter costs, and you better not take too much. 1945 - the more enemies you had killed, the greater the glory. 2018 - if you kill enemies without written orders, you get hauled into court 1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan. 2018 - we come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia. 1945 - if you wanted to relax, you went to the rec. center, played pool, smoked, and drank beer. 2018 - you go to the community center and you can play pool. 1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club. 2018 - the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink. 1945 - the Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money. 2018 - you can get better and cheaper merchandise at Walmart. 1945 - we could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets. 2018 - we are wearing helmets that look just like theirs. 1945 - we called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them. 2018 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them. 1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken. 2018 - victory is declared when the polititians say they are sorry. 1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people. 2018 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt. 1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories. 2018 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating. 1945 - we were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to winning. 2018 - we don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called 'socialism'). 1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again. 2018 - all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again. ____________________________________________________ 4 Joe went to the restaurant where the Lion's Club meets every week, sat down and prepared to have a nice lunch and listen to today's speaker. All of a sudden, the host of the lunch came up to him and said "Joe, you have to make a speech today." Joe says, "Are you nuts? Where is the scheduled speaker?" The host replies, "He backed out at the last minute and now I have no speaker. You have to do it." Joe answers, "You're crazy. What would I speak about?" The host says, "Anything, anything at all." Joe squares his shoulders and straightens his tie and says, "All right - I'll talk about sex." After the meeting, everyone complimented Joe on his speech. They thought it was very good. Joe goes home that evening and says to his wife, "Honey, guess what? I made a speech at the Lion's Club meeting and everyone thought it was great." "What was the speech about, dear?" his wife asks. Joe, looking down at his feet, replies "uh, it was about ... s s s sailing!" The next day, Joe's wife was downtown shopping and happened to run into the local bank manager. He comes up to her and states "You ought to be very proud of your husband. He made a fantastic speech at the luncheon yesterday!" She replied, "You know, he told me that, but I don't understand it! He's only done it twice -- the first time he got sick and fell off, and the second time his hat blew off!" ____________________________________________________ 5 A fine funeral was ordered for a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of the cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. "Well," commented one of the mourners, "sounds like she got told where to go." ___________________________________________________ 6 One evening a mom and dad and two sons are watching TV. The dad gives the mom a look, and they head upstairs. The two little boys wonder what they are doing, so they go up to take a peek. "Well, " said the older boy, "Remember this when mom gets on your case for sucking your thumb!" ___________________________________________________ 7 I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. That car now belongs to my ex, the town mayor. I walked to the store. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important. =====================================================

Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter
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