Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday,  August 11

(`v)
Ophelia

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money, 
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money, 
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________
1
A high school English teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam, "Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being there  tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family -
but that's it, NO other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand
and asks,  "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter
and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."

It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order.

_______________________________________________________
2
Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from
school one day. As they walked along, they saw two dogs
knotted up along side the road, doing it, well, doggy
style.
"What are they doing, Johnny?" Mary asked. 

Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his
12 years, knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to
say it, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her." 

Little Mary said, "Oh."

They walked a little farther, and Little Mary said, "Scare
me, Little Johnny." 

Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell." 

So he took her into the bushes and "scared" her.
After they were finished, they started walking home again.
Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare
in the field. 

"What are they doing, Little Johnny ?", she asked. 

"Well, he's scaring her." 

So Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Johnny." 

Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared"
her again.

After they were finished, they started walking home again.


Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer
in the field, going at it.

"What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she innocently (?)
asked again. 

"Well, he's scaring her" Little Johnny said once again.
After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said,
"Scare me again, Little Johnny."

Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now, had just
about had enough, so he yelled out,
"Boo, damn it, boo!"

______________________________________________________
3
A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment.
She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part
of the human body enlarges to seven times its original
size when stimulated.

Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "Well, I think
I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."

The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class
what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its
size when stimulated."

Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges
to seven times its original size when stimulated by
light."

The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny."

Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all,
you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty
mind. And third, when you get a boyfriend, you're in for a
big disappointment."

______________________________________________________
4
Three old men were talking about the best thing that could
happen to them at this point in their lives.

The 80 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to
me would be a good pee. I just stand there and it
dribbles
and hurts, and I have to go over
and over again."

The 85 year old said,
"The best thing could happen to me would be a good bowel
movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands
on, and it's still a problem."

The 90 year old man said,
"Heck, every morning at 6:00 a.m. sharp I have a good pee,
and at 6:30 a.m. sharp I have a good bowel movement.
I suppose the best thing that could happen to me would be
waking up before 7:00 a.m."

________________________________________________________
5
Ladies Night Out
When A Woman Should Call it a Night

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and
wiggling my bootay while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the
sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's @ss and
honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like
Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours
ago.

5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm
eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it
up and carry on eating it. 

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love
them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start
work. 

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting
next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade
teacher.

10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a
table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their
own so I keep them half closed and think it looks
exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good
at it. 

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by
giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no
longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like
the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take
this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit
on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I
happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly
pants to cut down  on the time I'm in the bathroom away
from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault
that I'm having problems walking straight.

_____________________________________________________
6
A blue little boy from Lansing
couldn't find a partner for dancing.
So he bared his dick
in a final vain trick,
and won a loose lass for romancing!

__________________________________________________
7
One day poor old Lena decided she didn't want to be in
this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She
figured the best way was to shoot herself in th heart,
but she didn't know just where her heart was. She called a
doctor for the information.

The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is
located about four inches below the left nipple.

Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore
very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital.

"I should be dead!" she wailed.

"Don't worry, lady," the orderly answered, "your knee will
mend before you know it!"
______________________________________________________
8
"Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many
brunettes do you see walking down the street with blonde
roots?"

____________________________________________







Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
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