Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Sunday,  July 22

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Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 This farmer had a sick cow. The vet prescribed a daily suppository. The farmer's method for administering the prescription was to insert an aluminum tube into the cow's rear and blow the suppository in. One day the farmer was too sick to attend his cow, so he asked his hired hand to take care of the cow. The hired hand took the tube, and turned it around! Then blew the supository into the cow. The farmer's wife, who was standing nearby watching, asked the hired hand why he had turned the tube in the cow's rear around. He exclaimed "What! From the farmer's mouth into mine!" ____________________________________________________ 2 Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys. No, the woman shakes her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but, I never seen anybody do it." ____________________________________________________ 3 Requested by Marina The Sex Drive I have run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel... then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one so I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat. Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman, I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kind of scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with her... figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone... she said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away. Huh, must not have had any in stock. In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked it they had any sex drives in stock... He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive, I thought about it for a minute and told him Yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed... he started laughing at me said something about me trying to kill him... You're killing me! or something like that, and walked away. Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard to keep in stock. I wasn't trying to kill him... I wasn't even hurting him. The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck... I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about that explaining it. She's fallen off the wagon, that explains it and walked away laughing. The guy in the fourth store said something like boob under his breath and walked away... wonder why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores. Maybe have to order from a catalog or get on the Internet and search for one. So that's where I am now... If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it. Then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it. ____________________________________________________ 4 A guy decides he wants to learn to hunt. Needing a good hunting dog, he visits a farmer who has been advertising hounds in the newspaper. The farmer shows him several dogs, but the guy doesn't like them. Then he spots one hound that the farmer hasn't shown him. The guy asks, "What about that one?""Oh no," the farmer replies. "That one's my special dog." "What so special about him?" "Let me show you." The farmer leads the guy and the dog to a field, lifts one of the dogs ear and repeats "Go find the birds!". The dogs charges to a nearby bush, points and barks once. "That means ther's one bird in that bush, "says the farmer. "No way!" exclaims the guy. The farmer takes a stick and pokes the bush, and a huge pheasant flies out, To further convince the guy, the farmer again lifts the dog's ear and repeats , "Go find the birds!", This time the dog streaks off to another bush, points and barks twice. "That means there's two birds in there." says the farmer, taking his stick and poking at the bush. Two large pheasants pop out and fly away. "I've got to have that dog!" says the man. "Well okay,"replies the farmer. "But it's going yo cost you a bundle." The guy forks over the bucks and takes the dog. A month later, the farmer has to go to the city, and decides to visit the guy who bought his prize hound, When he asked the guy about the dog, the man replies, A couple of buddies and I went hunting, and when we got to a field the darnndest thing happened. I went up to the dog, lifted one of his ears and said "Go find the birds," The dog took off like a bat outta hell and ran into the field, barking and running around like crazy, Then he jumped on my leg and started humping it like I was a bitch in heat, After that, he grabed a stick and started shaking it violently at me!. I though for sure he'd gone nuts or had the rabies. So I shot the fucker." "You blithering idiot" yelled the farmer. "He was telling you that there's more fuckin' birds out there there than you could shake a stick at!" ____________________________________________________ 5 Men don't get cellulite. Most women believe for that reason alone, God must be a male. ___________________________________________________ 6 By the time John arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" "Well, I had to toss it 214 times." ___________________________________________________ 7 A woman turned to her husband and said, "Next week is our 30th wedding anniversary. What do you think we ought to do?" Her husband thought carefully before giving his answer. "Have a moment of silence?" =====================================================


Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter
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