Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, January 19

Thank you, Thomas!!!

On Thursday, January 21, DearWebby has to go to Calgary
for injections into his eyeballs. OUCH!
That means there wo't be a Friday, Saturday or Sunday issue
sent out.
I will be back on Monday.

(`v)
Ophelia

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________

1
Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the
local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container
of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.
Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on
his stud horse first.  The horse swallowed the pill, jumped
out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off
down the road. "Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer
thought, and poured the rest into his well.

Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told
how he had disposed of the medication. "Heavens!" exclaimed
the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have
you?"

"No," said the farmer.  "We can't get the pump handle down.

_______________________________________________________
2
Across from my house is young Mabel
And if her curtains stay open. I'm able
To watch her caressing
Herself while undressing
As long as I stand on this table.

______________________________________________________
3
It was at a cocktail party and the guy was getting
nowhere with a really stunning blonde. Finally, he
consulted the host - a buddy - about the situation and
the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix
her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so
stiff that she'll go to bed with ya just like your
wife."

"Hell no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her THAT
stiff."

____________________________________________________
4
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the
subject turned to their husbands.  One lady said, "My husband
just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to
Hell."

This led to talk around the table and it was generally
agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were
going to end up in Hell.

So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to
Heaven."

Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it
unless I mend my ways, I better start soon."

At this point they noticed that one of the ladies (the only
single women in the group, and a blonde, mind you) wasn't
saying anything. They turned to her and said, "You're such a
nice lady, surely you'll be going to Heaven?"

She says, "No way!  In fact, first thing in the morning, I'm
going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"

They were shocked and asked, "Why??"

"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do
you??!?"

____________________________________________________
5
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room
of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his
full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same
name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such
thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined
face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended
the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1965."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

BOOOM!

_____________________________________________________
6
>From Billy
NEW TAX CODE
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging
around unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of
the time it is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there
penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as
a corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Effective January 1, 2021, penises will be taxed according to
size. The brackets are as follows:

10"-12" Luxury Tax

8"-9" Pole Tax

6"-7" Privilege Tax

4"-5" Nuisance Tax

Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

_____________________________________________________
7
Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to
expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time.

At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of
students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a
gown, was obviously very well endowed, indeed

Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become
familiar with variations in heartbeats, while the body comes
back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia, by using
a simple stethoscope.

The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded
to listen intently.

The group was silent as he did so.  The woman hesitated, then
looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be.
Then shepicked up the microphone part and moved it from her
left boob to just below it,
and finally grabbed his ear pieces and moved them to his ears.

_____________________________________________________
8
A South American Scientist, from Argentina, after a lengthy
study, has discovered that people with not enough sexual
activities read their e-mails with the right hand on the
mouse.

Don't bother taking it off, it's too late.
______________________________________________________






Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
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