Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, May 24

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia


Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.
_________________________________________________________
1
Sam found out that his wife, Anni is pregnant. Sam did the
math, and according to Anni's due date, he was out of
town
at the time of conception.

Sam was amazed. He couldn't believe it. He will finally
make it into the Guinness Book of World Records for
impregnating his wife via phone sex!
_______________________________________________________
2
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine
restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a
table a few paces away)suddenly noticed that the man was
slowing sliding down his chair and under the table,
but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman
dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came
over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he
didn't. MY HUSBAND just walked in the door."

______________________________________________________
3
A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it
was okay to have sex during her pregnancy.

He told them that during the first trimester they could do
it normal-style, during the second trimester they should
do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were
limited to wolf-style.

"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"

"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.

_______________________________________________________
4
Liana was a beautiful blonde girl.  As she was walking
through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became
too much for her and she decided to go for a swim.  She
took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of
the riverbank and dove in.

A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her
clothes.

Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her
clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the
roadside and hitch a ride home.

Along came Steve, riding a bicycle.  He stopped for Liana.
"Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."

She jumped on his bicycle and rode in front of him.
Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so
overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me,
haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"

"Sure," said Steve.  "Haven't you noticed that you're
riding on a girls bike?"

________________________________________________________
5
Did you hear about the long delays on a golf course in
hell? 
Seems like there was a foursome playing that was taking
forever to get around the course. The group consisted of
Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill
Clinton. According to observers, the problems they were
having were attributable to typical problems faced by
the novice golfer; 

Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy can't
drive over water, and Clinton is never sure which hole
he's supposed to be playing.

________________________________________________________
6
Bob had just finished playing a round of golf and was in
the locker room getting undressed to take a shower when
one of his friends happened to notice him slipping out of
a pair of women's panties. 

"Hey, Bob," his friend called out across the locker room.
"How long have you been playing golf in women's
underwear?" 

"How long?" came the reply. "Ever since my wife found a
pair in the back seat of my car after I came home from
supposedly playing a round of golf!"

_________________________________________________________
7
There was this animal importer who imported animals
illegally as he could not wait the 6 months for the
quarintine law to pass. He told his mate how he managed to
smuggle the animals through Customs without being caught
as his mate needed advice to succeed. 

1st Man said "I smuggled a rattle snake through Customs"

2nd Man says " oh??, how did you manage that then??"

1st Man says" well I knocked it out and tied it around my
waist, Snakeskin Belt you see?"

2nd Man "thats really ingenious that"

1st Man, "thats nothing, you should see the crocodile I
got through customs"

2nd Man "now I know you are lying"

1st Man "no its true my friend, grab the crocodile by the
tail and knock it out, put its tail in its mouth and put
it over your shoulder, a
shoulder bag, simple!"

2nd Man "Wow, I would never have thought of
that, what other animals have you smuggled?"

1st Man "Well I smuggled a Skunk through Customs" 2nd Man
"Oh Yes??"

1st Man " I put it down my wifes underwear " 

2nd Man " What about the smell? "

1st Man " Well if it dies, it dies"

_________________________________________________________
8
What's the difference between a genealogist and a
gynaecologist? 

One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the
family bush.

_________________________________












Enjoy!

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia
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