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PRIVACY =====================================================Good Morning, ! Today is Wednesday, June 26 (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Renew / Upgrade
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, ____________________________________________________ (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Renew / Upgrade
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be very very interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after hearing the man's claims, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. The husband asked the man, "How could a pair of sandals possibly increase my sex drive?" The Pakistani replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming... "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEETS!" ____________________________________________________ 2 A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle 15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?" The Greeter replied, "That's my job." Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28." The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies? The Greeter replied, "That's my job." A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5." The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine." The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!" ____________________________________________________ 3 There's this Newfie and it's his birthday. He gets a package in the mail. "Oh me god!" he says when he opens it. "I gots a new pair of rubber boots from me mom for me birthday, I'm going out to the bar dancing!" So the Newfie puts on his best suit and he shines those rubber boots till he can see his reflection in them, then off to the bar he goes. The Newfie's standing at the bar, he looks over in the corner and sees a pretty girl, so he asks her to dance. They're dancing and dancing. Then the Newfie looks down at his rubber boots, looks up at the girl and says, "You have pink panties on". Well the girl gets all offended and she walks off. The Newfie spots another girl and asks her to dance. They're dancing and dancing. The Newfie looks down at his rubber boots, then says to the girl, "You have blue panties on". She also gets offended and walks off. Now the Newfie does this to a few more girls and they each get pissed off at him. Word travels around the bar about this Newfie and soon none of the girls will dance with him. The Newfie is kind of dejected and about to leave when he notices a sleazy looking Liberal sitting by herself in the corner. The Newfie strolls over and asks the Liberal to dance. She knocks back her whiskey and says, "Sure" They're dancing and dancing and the Newfie looks down at his rubber boots. "Oh me god!!, Oh me god no!!", sobs the Newfie. The Liberal looks at him and says, "What's the matter? " "I've got a crack in me new rubber boots!" _____________________________________________________________ 4 A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband, he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing." The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!" "Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?" The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public; looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?" "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband feeling very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking." "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" asks the counselor "With his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'" ____________________________________________________ 5 A little boy came down to breakfast one day. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal, he asks? "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" ___________________________________________________ 6 It's John and Anne's 25th wedding anniversary and they are in the same hotel room in which they spent their honeymoon. Anne looks seductively at John and asks him, "What were you thinking when you first saw me naked in this very room 25 years ago tonight?" John says, "I was thinking that I would like to screw your brains out and suck your breasts dry." Anne asks, "And what are you thinking now as I'm standing naked in front of you after 25 years of marriage?" John says, "Looks like I did a good job of it." ___________________________________________________ 7 Bumper Stickers · The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. · Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. · I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. · Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. · WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. · BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. · I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. · So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! · Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. · I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. · I'm just driving this way to piss you off. · Keep honking, I'm reloading. · As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. · God must love stupid people, he made so many. · Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. · It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. · I took an IQ test and the results were negative. · Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. · Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ___________________________________________________ 8 There was a Jewish man who did circumcisions on small Jewish baby boys. He had been doing it for years and all the time collected the foreskins from all the babies. He had quite a lot, then one day walked past a shop that had the following sign in the window, "We Can Make Anything Out Of Anything - Just Bring The Material" So the Jewish man went in and asked them to make a purse from the foreskins he had collected. He was told to go back in a week's time when it would be ready. A week later, he returned to the shop to collect the purse. He complemented the shopkeeper for doing such a fine job and asked how much he owed him. "$50" said the shopkeeper. "$50, for such a small purse, you must be joking! How come it's so expensive?" The shopkeeper replied "Ah, you see this is no ordinary purse...if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase." ====================================================
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