Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, April 20


Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
Those, who click me some grocery
REALLY matter.
Real College Courses
You can look 'em up:

"Lady Gaga and the Sociology of Fame" (University of South
Carolina, Columbia)

"GaGa for Gaga: Sex, Gender and Identity" (University of

"Arguing With Judge Judy: Popular 'Logic' on TV Judge Shows"
(University of California, Berkeley)

"The Phallus" (Occidental College)

"Zombies" (University of Baltimore)

"Comics" (Oregon State University)

"Harry Potter: Finding Your Patronus" (Oregon State University)

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at a mall in Fresno?
There was a power outage, and twelve people on their way to
their exercise class were stuck on the escalators for over four

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie,
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he
decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and
explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to
receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie,"
he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Was that YOUR wife or mistress?

New Marlboro Ads
Warning: cigarettes give you a raspy voice that makes
you sound as cool as you look."

[Cough] [hack hack] [cough] [thpt] Smooooth."

1"Don't worry; you have an extra lung."

"All of a sudden, your wife nagging you about smoking
isn't nearly as annoying, is it?"

"...That was the sound of a 65-year-old smoker hocking
up a lung oyster at three in the morning."

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a carrot stick?"

"Betcha can't smoke just one."

"I have less tar and nicotine than the leading brands,
you big pansy."

"Buy another pack. Tobacco settlements don't
pay themselves, you know."

"The Marlboro Man has determined that the Surgeon
General is a pussy."

"Each cigarette shortens your life by three minutes,
so smoke faster."

"You have smoked... THREE... packs today. At this rate
you will develop emphysema in... FIVE... years."

I stopped smoking ten years ago on a dare by DearWebby.
He had total heart failure two days after he stopped smoking
cold turkey. They almost killed him at Rockyview, but then he
went to a local doctor in his village, who sent him to UC,
where they put stents into him and hooked him up to Oxygen.
He's a stubborn old coot, Taurus, and he made it. He has not
smoked one puff since then.
Neither did I. If he can stop, so can I.

A young nurse was giving an old army man a bath and told him he
would have to wash his own privates.

"Privates?!" he shouted. "At my age they should be at least
Generals by now."

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the Schmitts for
more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still
struggled with English.

One day she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news
from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming visit me from army next

"That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his

"Oh," the young woman said, "about long as Mr. Schmitt's. Maybe
little thicker."

According to 'Men's Health' magazine, the average man has had
sex in a car 15 times. That's something to keep in mind next
time you're looking for a used car.

In another stats report I read that red Camaros had been used
an average of 52 times for sex, and Ford F150s an average of 6

Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
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