Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday,  December 5

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. 
Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.
____________________________________________________
1
John had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening
progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to
her. After some really passionate embracing, he said,
"Tell me, would you object to me fucking your brains
out?" 

"That is something I have never done before," the date
replied. 

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" John
exclaimed. 

"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
____________________________________________________
2
Softly seductive young Brenda
Wants a man who is sweet, kind, and tender,
And thoughtful and bright
And sexually right
But mostly a very big spender.
___________________________________________________
3
In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a
wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,
embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy
continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around
him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly
minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister
leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's
hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other
passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the
minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of
the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve.

"Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic
words did you use on that little boy?" 

The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him
if he didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his fucking ass
to the moon."

____________________________________________________
4
"So," jealous Judy asked the detective she had hired,
"did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I
followed him to a bar, then to a restaurant and then to
a house." 

A big smile crossed Judy's face,"

Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating." Is there
any doubt what he was doing?" 

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that
he was following you and taking pictures of you and this
other man having sex. By the way, nude pictures of you
are all over the Internet now."
____________________________________________________
5
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon. Billy
Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for
a vacation."

He continues, "Only this year I'm gonna do it a little
different. The last few years, I took your advice about
where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I
went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant."

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,
and Earline got pregnant again."

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline
didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year
that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
___________________________________________________
6
The four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at Niagara
Falls. They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same
table, and were inseparable. One evening after dinner as
they were returning to their rooms, there was lightning
and the lights went off. It was pitch dark, and groping
their way they made it to their rooms, and quietly
undressed. 

Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he
completed his prayer, the lights came on that he saw
that he was with his friend's wife. He jumped up and
dashed for the door -

"Too late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe never
prays!"

___________________________________________________
7
Q: What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A: Fucks funny 

Q: What did the Nixon and Clinton administrations have
in common?
A: A crooked Dick in the Oval Office 

___________________________________________________
8
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY....but aren't! (Snowfall
Edition...

- I got over nine inches last night.

- Man, that white stuff is covering everything. I can
barely see my own car!

- I love when it lands on my tongue.

- Go on. Lick that pole. I dare ya.

- I got so wet playing with it.

- Don't rub that in your sister's face!

- Dammit! You got it all over my new pants.

- It's even soaked through my shoes.

- This isn't the soft, fluffy kind. It's hard, wet and
you can pack it down.

- Once it gets all dirty and mushy, I get sick just
looking at it.

- Sometimes when I get hot, I rub some down my neck.

- My children love rolling in it, but I make them wear
gloves so they don't catch anything.

- It's so deep now, you can tunnel through it.

- Don't yell too loudly. It'll all come down and cover
you. We'll have to call in some dogs.

- Don't put your tongue on it or it'll get stuck. You
want your Mom to see you like that?

====================================================



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Enjoy!

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia
===================

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