Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Today is Thursday,  December 5


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 John had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, would you object to me fucking your brains out?" "That is something I have never done before," the date replied. "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" John exclaimed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!" ____________________________________________________ 2 Softly seductive young Brenda Wants a man who is sweet, kind, and tender, And thoughtful and bright And sexually right But mostly a very big spender. ___________________________________________________ 3 In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his fucking ass to the moon." ____________________________________________________ 4 "So," jealous Judy asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, then to a restaurant and then to a house." A big smile crossed Judy's face," Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating." Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you and taking pictures of you and this other man having sex. By the way, nude pictures of you are all over the Internet now." ____________________________________________________ 5 Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon. Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation." He continues, "Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant." "Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again." "Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me." ___________________________________________________ 6 The four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were inseparable. One evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms, there was lightning and the lights went off. It was pitch dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms, and quietly undressed. Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he completed his prayer, the lights came on that he saw that he was with his friend's wife. He jumped up and dashed for the door - "Too late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe never prays!" ___________________________________________________ 7 Q: What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? A: Fucks funny Q: What did the Nixon and Clinton administrations have in common? A: A crooked Dick in the Oval Office ___________________________________________________ 8 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY....but aren't! (Snowfall Edition... - I got over nine inches last night. - Man, that white stuff is covering everything. I can barely see my own car! - I love when it lands on my tongue. - Go on. Lick that pole. I dare ya. - I got so wet playing with it. - Don't rub that in your sister's face! - Dammit! You got it all over my new pants. - It's even soaked through my shoes. - This isn't the soft, fluffy kind. It's hard, wet and you can pack it down. - Once it gets all dirty and mushy, I get sick just looking at it. - Sometimes when I get hot, I rub some down my neck. - My children love rolling in it, but I make them wear gloves so they don't catch anything. - It's so deep now, you can tunnel through it. - Don't yell too loudly. It'll all come down and cover you. We'll have to call in some dogs. - Don't put your tongue on it or it'll get stuck. You want your Mom to see you like that? ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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