Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, December 5

(`v)
Ophelia

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________
1
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with
a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and
approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man
replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw
it?"

"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies,
logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the
man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the
world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that
you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat,
moans "OHHH GOD....they got my girlfriend, too!!!"

_______________________________________________________
2
SHOPPING FOR A BRA

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I hadda go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
It worked me up a sweat.

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie!

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'Fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

______________________________________________________
3
AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.

Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I
join.

AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question?

Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get
something called "cybersex"... does this cost extra?

AOL: (quiet laugh in the background) Well ma'am... I don't know
how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.

Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.

AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go to a
chat room.

Caller: Hmmmm...I don't understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.

Caller: Hmmm..well, have you ever had cybersex?

AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to be
asking me. Is there anything else you need?

Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.

AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else?

Caller: Yes, I have one more question.

AOL: Go ahead...

Caller: What are you wearing?

AOL: 

____________________________________________________
4
The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems. The counselor
thought it might be due to the fact that the woman was taller. He
suggested special shoes with build-up heels to help the man's ego.

The next month, he asked if things had improved in their love life
with the shoes.

"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get the sheets
so dirty."

____________________________________________________
5
The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told
me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last
night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."

The doc asked, "What's his occupation?"

The girl said, "Army."

"Active or retired?"

"If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"

_____________________________________________________
6
A group of rednecks sat around the pot-bellied stove in the
country store, discussing the mysteries of life. "I'm going deaf
and blind," sighed one old fellow.
"I don't know what the good Lord wants to leave me here for."

"Now, Mr. McCoy," replied his Pastor friend, "the Lord's ways are
not our ways, and  we can't always understand. But if He's left
you here He's got work for you to do."

Mr. McCoy sat for a minute in quiet meditation, then announced,
"Well, screw Him,...I'm not a-gonna do it."

_____________________________________________________
7
Jill completed four weeks of dental restoration with
Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist.

She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with
her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, " Jill your 38 years old, your beautiful,
you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?"

" Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... ....SPIT,
don' t SWALLOW. "

_____________________________________________________
8
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car
accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but
all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were
about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened
his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him
what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there
was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I
were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and
said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a
donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled
out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I
was back here."

"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened
to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling
over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to
pay."
_______________________________________________________






Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
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