Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Monday, November 19

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Thanks to Mark for this story: Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really down in the dumps. "What's the matter?" Bill asked. "I don't' get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many damn people you have to please. "Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me. "Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didn't like me. "And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, BUT her husband couldn't stand me!" ____________________________________________________ 2 A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course." There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those still remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said. "You all get 'A's." ____________________________________________________ 3 Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. Husband: You tell a woman something: It doesn't go in any ears but comes out of her mouth. ____________________________________________________ 4 A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future. One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die." Sure enough, a year later the young boy died. The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance. A year later she died. The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge. Fast cars! Faster women! Exotic vacations! Flings with supermodels! His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie!!! At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off into what he assumed would be his *big* sleep. To his amazement, he woke up the next morning... He thought he had cheated death! He was invincible! But then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news... "Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead." ____________________________________________________ 5 A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness. A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other. They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each other. Finally one says, "Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tattoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing." ___________________________________________________ 6 TOP TEN WORST THINGS TO HEAR IN BED 10) Wait! I saw this in a Three Stooges flick once. 9) How come I hear an echo down there? 8) You said you'd like to try some toys in bed, so I brought Mr. Potatohead. 7) Is that you, Rosie, or your mom?. 6) You haven't seen my garden gnome, have you? 5) Yeah, it's a duck. Once you go quack, you never go back. 4) It burns! It burns! 3) No, that's a snail. 2) Ummm. Is it supposed to look like that? 1) Release the Manatees! ___________________________________________________ 7 A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job". The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." ___________________________________________________ 8 There was this one man that called in and said he had food poisoning and the supervisor told him that his brother had called in and said he had food poisoning too. He said, yeah I caught it from him. ====================================================
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Ophelia Dingbatter
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