Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Tuesday, April 23


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Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend," gushes Sally, "He was working on the engine of his car when the hood came down and cut off his finger!" "My God," shrieks Carol, "did it amputate his whole finger?" "No thank goodness," sniffs Sally, "but it was the one right next to it!" ____________________________________________________ 2 A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water. After a while the boy came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with willies a lot bigger than daddy's." The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran back to his mother and said, "Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got!" ____________________________________________________ 3 Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering, "Take me Paddy. Take me now!" Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice. Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it. Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready. Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!" Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet. _______________________________________________________________ 4 A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped, his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she said earnestly. "Umph, ooh, nnoo, I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a minute", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel? He replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." ____________________________________________________ 5 "There's a double standard, even today. A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions. A woman, you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you're a tramp." --- Joan Rivers ___________________________________________________ 6 A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!" ___________________________________________________ 7 A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant" ___________________________________________________ 8 Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, tells them to undress, and ties a small bell to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. *Ting-a-ling* "Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness". The candidate leaves. The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* "Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness." The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. . . Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. . . No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits. "Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers." *Ting-a-ling-a-ling* ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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