NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
|
Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
|||
|
|
Subscribe | |
|
Ophelia Dingbatter's News for one year 365 issues for $10 |
 |
|
Ophelia Dingbatter's News for one month 31 issues for $1 |
|
PRIVACY Good Morning, ! Today is Saturday, December 5 (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ________________________________________________________ Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ________________________________________________________ 1 A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD....they got my girlfriend, too!!!" _______________________________________________________ 2 SHOPPING FOR A BRA I ain't much for shopping, Or for goin' into town Except at cattle-shipping time, I ain't too easily found. But the day came when I hadda go - I left the kids with Ma. But 'fore I left, she asked me, "Would you pick me up a bra?" So without thinkin' I said, "Sure," How tough could that job be? An' I bent down and kissed her An' said, "I'll be back by three." Well, I done the things I needed, But I started to regret Ever offering to buy that thing - It worked me up a sweat. I walked into the ladies shop My hat pulled over my eyes, I didn't want to take a chance On bein' recognized. I walked up to the sales clerk - I didn't hem or haw - I told that lady right straight out, "I'm here to buy a bra." From behind I heard some snickers, So I turned around to see Every woman in that store Was a'gawkin' right at me! "What kind would you be looking for? Well, I just scratched my head. I'd only seen one kind before, "Thought bras was bras," I said. She gave me a disgusted look, "Well sir, that's where you're wrong. Follow me," I heard her say, Like a dog, I tagged along. She took me down this alley Where bras was on display. I thought my jaw would hit the floor When I saw that lingerie! They had all these different styles That I'd never seen before I thought I'd go plumb crazy 'Fore I left that women's store. They had bras you wear for eighteen hours And bras that cross your heart. There was bras that lift and separate, And that was just the start. They had bras that made you feel Like you ain't wearing one at all, And bras that you can train in When you start off when you're small. Well, I finally made my mind up - Picked a black and lacy one - I told the lady, "Bag it up," And figured I was done. But then she asked me for the size I didn't hesitate I knew that measurement by heart, "A six-and-seven-eighths." "Six and seven eighths you say? That really isn't right." "Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive - I measured them last night!" I thought that she'd go into shock, Musta took her by surprise When I told her that my wife's bust Was the same as my hat size. "That's what I used to measure with, I figured it was fair, But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am." This drew another stare. By now a crowd had gathered And they all was crackin' up When the lady asked to see my hat, To measure for the cup. When she finally had it figured, I gave the gal her pay. Then I turned to leave the store, Tipped my hat and said, "Good day." My wife had heard the story 'fore I ever made it home. She'd talked to fifteen women Who called her on the phone. She was still a-laughin' But by then I didn't care. Now she don't ask and I don't shop For women's underwear. ______________________________________________________ 3 AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking. Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join. AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question? Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called "cybersex"... does this cost extra? AOL: (quiet laugh in the background) Well ma'am... I don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online. Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL. AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go to a chat room. Caller: Hmmmm...I don't understand, what is cybersex?? AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it. Caller: Hmmm..well, have you ever had cybersex? AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need? Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is. AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else? Caller: Yes, I have one more question. AOL: Go ahead... Caller: What are you wearing? AOL:____________________________________________________ 4 The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems. The counselor thought it might be due to the fact that the woman was taller. He suggested special shoes with build-up heels to help the man's ego. The next month, he asked if things had improved in their love life with the shoes. "Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get the sheets so dirty." ____________________________________________________ 5 The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills." The doc asked, "What's his occupation?" The girl said, "Army." "Active or retired?" "If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!" _____________________________________________________ 6 A group of rednecks sat around the pot-bellied stove in the country store, discussing the mysteries of life. "I'm going deaf and blind," sighed one old fellow. "I don't know what the good Lord wants to leave me here for." "Now, Mr. McCoy," replied his Pastor friend, "the Lord's ways are not our ways, and we can't always understand. But if He's left you here He's got work for you to do." Mr. McCoy sat for a minute in quiet meditation, then announced, "Well, screw Him,...I'm not a-gonna do it." _____________________________________________________ 7 Jill completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said, " Jill your 38 years old, your beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?" " Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... ....SPIT, don' t SWALLOW. " _____________________________________________________ 8 An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay." _______________________________________________________ 
Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================
If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
Please, help me stay online!
