Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Today is Monday, March 19


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents... 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him... Sum Ting Wong ____________________________________________________ 2 One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!" "Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered. "Good, Jane." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven. "Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!". The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?" Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it." ____________________________________________________ 3 Three friends are sitting around their favorite pub. The first guy says "Hey guys, I know this other bar where you go in and every third drink that you order, you get the next one free. On top of that, about 1/4 of the time I go in there, I get 'lucky' " The second guy says, "That's nothing! I know this bar where you get every other drink on the house, and I get lucky there about 1/2 the times that I go in." The third guy, unimpressed, says, "Hell, I've got you both beat. I know of a place where you get every drink on the house and you get 'lucky' EVERY time you go in." The other two say, "WOW! Where is it?" The third guy responds with a sigh, "I don't know, my wife won't tell me." ____________________________________________________ 4 Daffinitions MADAM: One who offers vice to the lovelorn. MARCONI: The first man to send a message through a length of spaghetti without it touching the sides. MINE SHAFT: What a German calls his dick. MONOLOGUE: A discussion between man and wife. NONDESCRIPT: A television play. ODIOUS: Not very good poetry. ORGY: Grope therapy. PARENTS: Couples who practise the Rhythm Method. PEDESTRIAN: A motorist with teenage sons. PIMP: Nookie Bookie. PIMP: Public relations man for a public relations girl. PORNOGRAPHY: Clitertature. PREMATURE EJACULATION: The come before the scorn. RACIAL DISPUTE: When the course judge calls for a photo. RED RIDING HOOD: A Russian condom. REFLECTION: What a girl looks at, but is not given to. SAGE: A bloke who knows his onions. SITTING PRETTY: Sitting Bull's gay brother. SNOW JOB: How a woman defrosts her man. SNUFF: Sufficient unto the day. SONATA: A song sung by Frank. SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut. STALEMATE: A husband who has lost his ardour. TEAR JERKER: A bloke who cries while wanking. TRUE LOVE: An injection with affection to the midsection from a projection without objection. VICE SQUAD: The pussy posse. VICE VERSA: Dirty poetry from Italy. VIRGIN: A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings. VIRGIN: A girl who won't take in what a guy takes out. VIRGIN: Any Hicksville girl who can outrun her brothers. VIRGIN SQUAW: Wouldn't Indian. WELSH RAREBIT: A Cardiff virgin. WET DREAM: A snorgasm. ANTI-CLIMAX: Bore-gasm. CORPORATE VIRGIN: New girl in the office. DESPERATE STRAIGHTS: Sex-starved heterosexuals. GAELIC: An Irish Lesbian. INCEST: Relatively boring. INCEST: A game for the whole family to play. LUBRICATED CONDOMS: Bedroom slippers. MASTURBATION: I-balling. SELF-DECEPTION: Faking an orgasm during masturbation. ____________________________________________________ 5 A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he would like a woman sent to his room. The man says yes. The desk clerk says, "I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one should I send up?" With this the man replies, "I'll take the teacher." When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says, "I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the switchboard operator?" The man replies, "The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it. The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished, but the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right." ___________________________________________________ 6 I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What is she doing?" the pal asked. "Waiting for me to get home ___________________________________________________ 7 Ida the office blonde said that with all the new transplants they're doing, she'd like to see about being a virgin again. But sexy Sophie just laughed and said, "And where in hell do you think they'd find a donor?" =====================================================

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