NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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PRIVACY Good Morning, ! Today is Saturday, May 26 Thank you, Kevin!!! Enjoy! Ophelia Renew / Upgrade
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 The 15-year-old daughter brought home a young Naval Aviator to meet her parents. During dinner, the pilot happened to mention that he was from Glen Burnie. The Mother said, "What a coincidence. My husband and I lived there 18 years ago when we were first married." The pilot got a strange look on his face and changed the topic of conversation. The daughter fell strangely silent. After he left, the teen said, "Thanks a LOT Mom. I told him I was 18. Now I'll have to tell him that I was illegitimate." ____________________________________________________ 2 How would you like to tell people you live in one of these places? Arsoli (Lazio, Italy) Bastard (Norway) Beaver (Oklahoma, USA) Beaver Head (Idaho, USA) Chinaman's Knob (Australia) Climax (Colorado, USA) Cornwall, UK) Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada) Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border) Dongo (Congo -Democratic Republic) Donk (Belgium) Fuku (Shensi, China) Fukue (Honshu, Japan) Fukum (Yemen) Hold With Hope (Greenland) Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA) Lickey End (West Midlands, UK) Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland) Middle Intercourse Island (Australia) Muff (Northern Ireland) Nobber (Donegal, Ireland) Pis Pis River (Nicaragua) Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines) Seymen (Turkey) Shafter (California, USA) Shag Island (Indian Ocean) Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK) Stains (Near Paris, France) Tittybong (Australia) Turdo (Romania) Twatt (Orkney, UK) Twatt (Shetland, UK) Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany) Wankener (India) Wankie (Zimbabwe) Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe) Wanks River (Nicaragua) Wet Beaver Creek (Australia) ____________________________________________________ 3 When the second grader arrived home from school, she excitedly ran up to her mom and said, "Guess what we learned today mommy. How to make babies." Her mother was more than surprised, but did her best to remain calm. She knew that this day would come, but she had hoped it wouldn't have been so soon. "How interesting dear," her mother said. "How do you make babies?" "It's really simple," replied the little girl. "All you have to do is change the 'y' to 'I' and add 'es'. ____________________________________________________ 4 The teacher decided that in science class, she would teach her students about different materials. Standing at the front of the class, she asked, "Children, if you were able to have one raw material in the world, what would it be?" Raising his hand, little Timmy said, "I would choose gold. It's worth lots of money and I could by a Porche." Next, little Lois raised her hand and said, "I would want platinum because it's worth more than gold and I could by a Corvette." "Very good, both of you," said the teacher. "Johnny, what would you want?" Little Johnny stood up and said, "Oh, I would want silicon." "Why would you want silicon, Johnny?" asked the teacher. "Heck, my mom has two bags of it and you wouldn't believe all the sports cars outside our house!" he replied. ____________________________________________________ 5 A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream." "No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. "Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'" "Keep going!" "I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, What will be your second wish?'" "What next?" begged the bartender. "I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?' I looked at her and replied, How 'bout a little head? ___________________________________________________ 6 A trucker picks up a blonde hitchhiker who climbs into the cab and notices a monkey sitting up on the dashboard. After they travel for a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for. "Wait, I'll show you," the driver says, as he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending him rolling across the dash. The monkey then climbs down between the driver's legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his pecker and proceeds to perform oral sex on the trucker. When the monkey finishes, he pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and returns to the dashboard. "Did you see that?" the driver asks. "Sure did," the hitchhiker replies. "Wanna try it?" asks the trucker. "OK," answers the hitchhiker, "as long as you promise not to hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!" ___________________________________________________ 7 INTERNET AND THE PENIS It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but hard to get any real work done. If you neglect to apply protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses and confuses yours. If you're not careful, it can get you in big trouble. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. Some people have it and some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off. They think those who don't have it want it. People who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy but think it's not worth the fuss made about it. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would play with it all day if they didn't have to work. Then again, some do anyway. =====================================================
Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia
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