Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, November 22
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support 
for the troops! 


Gullible Warming is over!
Gullible Cooling is here now. 
And it is all because of the vegetarians!

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.
____________________________________________________
1
Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the
doctor away.' 
But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a
bacon sandwich works best.

____________________________________________________
2
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name
two things commonly found in cells. Apparently Blacks
and Mexicans were not the correct answer.

___________________________________________________
3
A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army
Hospital.

"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I
die," the soldier said.

The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's
patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American
flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."

"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling
my last wish." the soldier said.

The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier
kissed the flag.

"Thank you, nurse." he said "Now would you be so kind
as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"

____________________________________________________
4
Said Old Father Maury: "I'm humble,
And getting too old for a tumble,
But produce me a blonde,
And I'm still not beyond
An attempt at an interesting fumble."

____________________________________________________
5
She wasn't what one would call pretty,
And other girls offered her pity,
So nobody guessed
The paternity test
Would involve half the men in the city.

___________________________________________________
6
I have a brother who was on a plane that had taken off
and was approaching cruising altitude, when one of the
flight attendants came on the public-address system. She
announced that she was sorry, but the plane's restroom
was out of order. The flight attendant went on to
apologize to the passengers for any inconvenience. But
then she finished cheerily with: "So, as compensation,
free beer will be served."

___________________________________________________
7
Last time Bill was in the hospital, he really enjoyed
himself: Patting the bottoms of the pretty nurses,
offering to show them his circumcision scar, and the
like. One nurse finally had all she could stand of his
crude behavior and said, "A pervert like you should
be living in a whore house!"

Bill grinned at her and said, "Well, it WOULD be
cheaper than here, but I can't get my insurance to
pay for it."

___________________________________________________
8
Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding
God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show,
and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I
can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination
... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some
other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves,
both male and female, provided they are purchased from
neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this
applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do
you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman
while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness -
Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have
tried asking, but most women take offense. 

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I
know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9.
The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not
pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the
Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to
death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or
should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating
shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser
abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you
settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar
of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit
that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be
20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
including the hair around their temples, even though
this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should
they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a
dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football
if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by
planting two different crops in the same field, as does
his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds
of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that
we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just
burn them to death at a private family affair, like we
do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.
20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and
thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so
I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is
eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of
Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

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Enjoy!

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia
===================

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