Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, January 17

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Cynthia's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form- fitting gown and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and over again throughout the evening. Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that we're here alone in my penthouse, what do you say we drop the subject?" ____________________________________________________ 2 Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him." ____________________________________________________ 3 Help! Help" cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of the police station. "An Irishman molested me!" How do you know he was Irish? inquired the sergeant at the desk. "I had to help him" she gasped. ____________________________________________________ 4 Crazy Charlie, the used-car dealer, was out to break all sales records with his "like new" models. A large sign in his window announced: "A Blonde Free With Each Car." A delighted young wolf plunked down his cash and, hot with anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into the country. He parked, gave her a couple of preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her ear. She shook her head, smiled, and said, "You got that when you bought this car." ____________________________________________________ 5 Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers". At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name -- "Walking Eagle." The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly. ___________________________________________________ 6 George has decided to get married, but not just to anybody. He wants to marry a virgin, a good girl that hasn't fooled around and won't ever. After a bit of thinking, he makes up this scheme to tell "good girls" from "bad girls". One day, as he's going down the street, he spots Janice, one of the three young women on his "eligible" list. He walks right up to her, pulls down his pants and flashes her. "Well, Janice," he sais, "what do you reckon this is?" "Why, it's a dick, of course," replies Janice instantly. Obviously, Janice has been with men before, thinks George, and he cuts her off the list. Next on the list is Christine. After finding her, he goes on and flashes her too. "Tell me, Christine, what do you think this is?" "It's your dick, George," answers Christine. Off the list goes Christine. His final hope is in Mary. He finds her and proceeds to the flashing. "Mary, what do you think this is?" asks George. Mary looks at his dick for a whole minute, then finaly answers. "I honestly don't know, George, I'm sorry." "ARE YOU SURE?" asks George again, unbelieving. "Here, study it all you want, just be sure." Mary takes her time and studies George's organ for a full quarter of an hour. "Sorry, George, I still can't tell what it could possibly be." George is thrilled, and proposes to her. A few weeks later, they are married. It's their first night together. They both go to bed, naked, and George feels it's time to explain a few things to his wife. "Mary, I'm going to learn you something very important. See this thing here, between my legs. That's a dick." "THAT is a dick?" gasps Mary. "You should see John's!" ___________________________________________________ 7 A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it. Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly. "Why the jelly?" she asks him. "So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies. "Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did when I was still tight?" ___________________________________________________ 8 >From Bill For months, I've been getting spam emails offering to sell me pills that will increase the size of my penis up to three inches. I just ignored them and deleted them, but then curiosity got the best of me and I decided to try them, just to see what would happen. I answered the ad and when the pills arrived, I was so anxious to try them, that I opened the package and without reading the instructions, took one and let it dissolve on my tongue. It worked, but I have to ask you ladies, "What am I going to do with an eight-inch tongue?" ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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Ophelia Dingbatter
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