NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
|
Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
|||
|
|
Subscribe | |
|
Ophelia Dingbatter's News for one year 365 issues for $10 |
 |
|
Ophelia Dingbatter's News for one month 31 issues for $1 |
|
PRIVACY Good Morning, ! Today is Monday, June 21 (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ________________________________________________________ (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. _______________________________________________________ 1 A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "No, I don't want THAT one back. I want the next one!" _______________________________________________________ 2 In the mid 60's a US Navy cruiser put in to port in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: "Dear Captain, Thursday, will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews - We don't like Jews." Sure enough, at 8 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake." "Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Aaron Goldstein doesn't make mistakes." _________________________________________________ 3 You know you are Italian Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY. You know you're Italian when . . .You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins. You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion. And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when: . Your grandfather had a fig tree. . You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00. . Christmas Eve . . . only fish. . Your mom's meatballs are the best. . You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you. . Plastic on the furniture is normal. . You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella." . You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy." . You've called someone a "mamaluke." . And you understand "bada bing" _________________________________________________ 4 >From Rock We recently moved to a new city and went to our first football game. We arrived early and found our seats. Not long afterwards, a neurotic, twitchy young fellow came in and sat just in front of us. A short time later, we heard from far behind us someone yell "Hey Fred!" The nervous young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Apparently seeing no one he knew, he sat back down. A few moments later, we heard some behind us yell "Hey Fred!" Again the young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Still seeing no one he knew, he uneasily sat back down. After several rounds of this, the man began mumbling to himself. After each additional time, the mumbling became more frantic. Finally, hearing again the call of "Hey Fred!" The man leapt to his feet and screamed to the crowd, "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, YOU BASTARD, MY NAME'S NOT FRED!!!" ____________________________________________________ 5 "Mom always used to say that if you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything at all. Luckily for me, she never said anything about just walking up and knocking the shit out of them." _____________________________________________________ 6 A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned. In due time, she fell in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned. Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him. That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh. She asked, "What in the world is so funny?" He said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about ten years from now." _____________________________________________________ 7 A married guy was out getting a little "strange stuff" when he suffered a massive heart attack and died. The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying, "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?" To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... Cut it off and stuff it in his ass." When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket... Bending over him she said softly, "Hurts, doesn't it?" _____________________________________________________ 8 One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." "You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse.'" "No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." About that time, the sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??" "Yes it could," the sheriff replied. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!" ____________________________________________________
Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================
If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
Please, help me stay online!
