Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, June 21

(`v)
Ophelia

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________



(`v)
Ophelia

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
_______________________________________________________

1
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor
to
report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a
description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark
eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is
soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4,
chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "No, I don't want THAT one back.
I want the next one!"

_______________________________________________________
2
In the mid 60's a US Navy cruiser put in to port in Mississippi
for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was
more than a little surprised to receive the following letter
from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain,
Thursday, will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome,
unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared
for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dance
with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews - We don't
like Jews."

Sure enough, at 8 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the
door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four
exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit
the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."

"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Aaron Goldstein
doesn't make mistakes."

_________________________________________________
3
You know you are Italian

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat
over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY.

You know you're Italian when . . .You can bench press 325
pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells
at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two
cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into
a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent
and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street.
All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or
grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall
owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed
his Mother had an affair.

There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:

. Your grandfather had a fig tree.

. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

. Your mom's meatballs are the best.

. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at
you.

. Plastic on the furniture is normal.

. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

. You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

. You've called someone a "mamaluke."

. And you understand "bada bing"

_________________________________________________
4
>From Rock
We recently moved to a new city and went to our first football
game. We arrived early and found our seats. Not long
afterwards, a neurotic, twitchy young fellow came in and sat
just in front of us.

A short time later, we heard from far behind us someone yell
"Hey Fred!"

The nervous young man jumped up and scanned the crowd.
Apparently seeing no one he knew, he sat back down. A few
moments later, we heard some behind us yell "Hey Fred!" Again
the young man jumped up and scanned the crowd.
Still seeing no one he knew, he uneasily sat back down.

After several rounds of this, the man began mumbling to
himself. After each additional time, the mumbling became more
frantic.

Finally, hearing again the call of "Hey Fred!" The man leapt to
his feet and screamed to the crowd,

"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, YOU BASTARD, MY NAME'S NOT FRED!!!"

____________________________________________________
5
"Mom always used to say that if you can't say anything nice
about someone, don't say anything at all. Luckily for me,
she never said anything about just walking up and knocking
the shit out of them."

_____________________________________________________
6
A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed
on her right breast. The romance waned. In due time, she fell
in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left
breast. This romance also waned.

Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him.
That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh.
She asked, "What in the world is so funny?"

He said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys
are going to have in about ten years from now."

_____________________________________________________
7
A married guy was out getting a little "strange stuff" when he
suffered a massive heart attack and died.

The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body,
saying, "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that
we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?"

To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... Cut
it off and stuff it in his ass."

When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained
expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the
casket... Bending over him she said softly,
"Hurts, doesn't it?"

_____________________________________________________
8
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an
emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found
the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had
been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they
found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a
double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his
wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot
himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and
suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going
to say 'it could have been worse.'"

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the
house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be
worse. You're on."

About that time, the sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked
into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked
into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun
by his side.

"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It
was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found
his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he
shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his
deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it
could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted,
"Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people
in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't
have been worse??"

"Yes it could," the sheriff replied. "You see that guy there on
the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in
there in that bed!"

____________________________________________________





Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
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