Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Friday, October 23
Today is Sunday, October 25

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
Those, who click me some grocery
REALLY matter.

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
Those, who click me some grocery
REALLY matter.
All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop --.
As a voice said, "Honey, I'm home!!"

The bravest man in the world is the man who comes home drunk,
covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on
the backside and says, "You're next, fatty."

Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her

The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean
ovaries. Aviaries are where you find birds." 

Frannie shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*. 

Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for
an inspection. After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're
right! There's been a cockatoo in there."

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son developed an interest in religion.
Bad: He's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Worse: The secretary gets pregnant

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the striper

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Worse: He looks better than you do in them.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
Worse: It's 25 miles to the nearest gas station.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Worse: He finds Mr. Right.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's ten

Good: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Worse: He's the star of it.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Worse: You're arrested for passing one of the bills.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbours.
Worse: All of them.

Teacher turns to her class and says "Today class, we are going to
pick out some BIG words and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you
like to go first?" 

"Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it
was not ok to go out side and play. Then he went out to play" 

"Very Good Jenny!" 

Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving
his hands. "Yes Johnny" 

"I have a big one!" He exclaimed. 

Sighing the teacher holds her hands together and prays silently,
"Go ahead Johnny" she says. 

"Harassment!" says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said
no, but harassment yes!"

Little Red was seen going into the woods with a small package and a
large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she
Her friend, Goodwill Jen, had never seen Little Red looking so sad.

Goodwill Jen said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of
days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"

Little Red replied, "Because I just can't get a man."

Goodwill Jen said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of
the woods."

"Don't be so silly," Red said, "I know that. I went in the woods
because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I
couldn't find it."

Goodwill Jen said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Little Red replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls.
I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Jen.

Little Red said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to
have a good pair of hooters."

There was a young fellow from Wark,
Who, when he screws, has to bark.
His wife is a bitch,
With a terrible itch,
So the town never sleeps after dark.

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following people are stranded.

. Two Italian men and one Italian woman
. Two French men and one French woman
. Two German men and one German woman
. Two Greek men and one Greek woman
. Two English men and one English woman
. Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
. Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
. Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
. Two Irish men and one Irish woman
. Two American men and one American woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for
the Italian woman.

. The two French men and the French woman are
living happily together in Ménage à Trois .

. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
alternating visits with the German woman.

. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and
the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

. The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman.

. The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian
woman and started swimming to another island.

. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting

. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy-liquor-
store-restaurant-laundry, and have gotten the woman
pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

. The two Irish men divided the island into North and
South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if
sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy
after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they
are satisfied because the English are not having any

. The two American men are contemplating suicide,
because the American woman will not shut up and
complains relentlessly about:

o Her body

o The true nature of feminism

o What the sun is doing to her skin

o How she can do anything that they can do

o The necessity of fulfillment

o The equal division of household chores

o How sand and palm trees make her look fat

o How her last boyfriend respected her opinion and
treated her nicer than they do

o How her relationship with her mother is the root
cause of all her problems

o Why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they
could call 911 and get them all rescued off this
lord-forsaken deserted island in the middle of
nowhere so she can get her nails done and go


Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================
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