NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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PRIVACY Good Morning, ! Today is Friday, September 21 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!I know some of you just look at the pictures and forward the text without even reading it. Then the recipients of your Forwards forward the jokes back to me. Since you do look at the pictures, please tell me what you want to see! Younger, older, chubbier, skinnier, whatever. Just tell me! Give me some divine guidance! Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Renew / Upgrade
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Tyrone was visiting Leroy and discussing Leroy's problems with his wife when Leroy's doorbell rang. Leroy answered the door and was handed a paper which the deliverer said was a subpoena. Leroy showed it to Tyrone and asked him if he knew what it was. Tyrone in his pompous lack of knowledge said, "Dis here is a subpeena." "Wut is a sub-peena?" Leroy asked. "Well," said Tyrone, "dat's law talk. Yo wife is suing you for deevorce. We know dat 'sub' means 'unda' and 'peena'is Latin for 'penis', so - 'subpeena' means unda the penis which means she done got you by da balls. She probably wants the Caddy you stole from the mayor over in Lake county." ____________________________________________________ 2 The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table in 1776, working on the Constitution. It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said, 'Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?' Ben Franklin replied, 'Shall I open the window?' 'No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves.' 'Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the Constitution?' 'What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while we work?' 'Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?' ____________________________________________________ 3 A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun. The clerk, seeing that the customer was obviously very wealthy showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother of pearl inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A bargain at $20,000. The customer says, "No, not quite what I need." Then the clerk brings out an English model and shows off its fine points. A steal at only $7,500. The customer says, "No, I don't need anything that fancy." The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a Winchester 'over and under' mass production model. Only $129.95. The customer says, "That will do nicely. After all, it is an informal wedding." -------------- One guy tried that with me once. I learned the hard way that you should not hit with the wooden stock while holding the barrel. The wooden stock came off after it permanentlty flattened his left ear. The barrel was still good for giving him all kinds of memorable bruises. However, I almost lost my composure when the wooden stock flew off. ____________________________________________________ 4 Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Richie, know where you can find sympathy? In the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'. ____________________________________________________ 5 The catholic priest in a small town in Kentucky had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation. "Brothers and sisters," he said solemnly. "It has come to my attention that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said there is not one virgin left. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise." Not a woman stirred. "I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly," the priest intoned. "But it is necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly virgins to rise." And still not a woman stirred. Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? I ask you in the name of Mother Mary herself. Let all virgins stand!" And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully. The preacher stared with astonishment at her. "Young woman, I have asked for virgins to stand." "Father," the young lady answered indignantly, "do you really expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself?" ---------------- It is the same in most towns in Alberta. They say you need a Unicorn to catch a virgin. And those are almost extinct too! ___________________________________________________ 6 >From Mona DEAR DIARY Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed. Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears. Day 4. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day 5. What absolute bliss!!. Day 6. Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that. Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy. Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there. Day 9. No time to write. He might catch me. Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over.... Day 11. I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig. Day 12. I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ... Day 13. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard. Day 14. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me. Day 15. I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did. Day 16. The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac. Day 17. Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Christ !!! here he comes again. Day 18. He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!. ___________________________________________________ 7 The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales. "Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time?"" "No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight." =====================================================
Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia
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