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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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PRIVACY Good Morning, ! Today is Saturday, February 27 (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ________________________________________________________ 1 Q. How do you know when a woman is getting old? A. Her bra size goes from a 44-D to a 44-long. _______________________________________________________ 2 A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me... babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager "won't it knock my teeth out? ______________________________________________________ 3 A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again!" _________________________________________________ 4 A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal." ____________________________________________________ 5 A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it; it even says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that; show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: "HEBREWS" _____________________________________________________ 6 A woman from France is touring in the United States when she develops a serious case of the crabs. She decides to go to a pharmacy and get some medicine for her condition. Her English is not very good and she tells the pharmacist, "I vould like some medicine that geet reed of bugs in debush." The pharmacist misunderstood her and told her to go over to section with lawn care products and select one of the strong insecticides. The French woman did as she was instructed and bought one of these products. In a week she was back in the pharmacy again and talking to the pharmacist. He asked her if her condition was cleared up. "Yes, eet is," she replied. "All of de bugs in de bush are gone. My hair down there, eets gone too. And Pierre's moustache---eet's also gone!" _____________________________________________________ 7 In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his fucking ass to the moon." _____________________________________________________ 8 Pranks LOST KEYS: Get a hold of some old useless keys (car, house,etc.). Put the victim's name, phone number and $50.00 reward if found and returned onto the tag. Drop the keys in one of the less desirable areas of town. GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the Free Classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. Come early! X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped-inspected by airport security officials. This one will make your sides hurt from laughter, if present during the inspection. I like this prank for both male and female victims. PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries. DOGS: Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am) go near the victim's house and blow the silent whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back to bed repeat the process again. TAG ALONG ROAD KILL - Find a dead dog or cat along side a road. Take a 12 foot long rope, tie one end around the animal and the other end around the back axle of the victims automobile. Balance the dog or cat on the back axle of the automobile. As the victim drives, the animal will drop off the axle and will be dragged about 8 foot behind the automobile horrifying fellow motorists. This one kills me! ANIMAL POO-POO - With plastic gloves on find some animal poo- poo and place it under the door handles of the victim's automobile. The end result is a sticky situation. NOISEY APARTMENT NEIGHBORS - Place a clock radio or portable stereo in a large cardboard box. Place open end of box next to the wall adjoining the victim's apartment. Tune the radio to whatever obnoxious religious station you choose. Turn-on when you are away and turn-off when you return home. BOWEL CONTROL PROBLEMS - Place a Baby Ruth candy bar next to victim while they are in bed asleep. Body heat will melt the chocolate to the point that when the victim awakes they will think they had an embarrassing accident. This is a great, brother-sister or college dorm prank. ______________________________________________________
Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================
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