Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, February 2

Dear Webby told me to have my newsletter ready early,
because he has to go for some big eye exam in Calgary,
and probably will be really slowed down due to totally
dilated eyes. Apparently his diabetes has messed up his eyes
and he may need a Cataract ot Glaucoma or Retina operation.
Something like that, I am not an eye doctor.

I'll try to have it completed early, but if DearWebby messes up
my 3 different.versions, don't get mad. Last time they messed
with his eyes, he had to use a knife to undo his shoe laces,
but still struggled to get most of the newsletters out.

If you know of anybody, who can afford a 2 cents per day
newsletter, PLEASE tell them about me!
Hopefully we don't have to pause until after the election!

Enjoy!
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets 
really upset and throws him out he goes and sits outside 
the class and can't stop laughing.

The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. 
He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here 
laughing ?" 

Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw 
me out"

The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing ?"

Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb cluck is sitting in 
the class smelling my fart and they put me outside, 
having a smoke in this beautiful sunshine."


At a family get together, a young boy of about 8 years of age 
asks his father, "What does fornication mean?"

The dad is freaked out by the question and demands to know, 
"Where did you hear a word like that?"

"From Uncle Charlie," responds the son.

Dad charges off to confront his brother.

Charlie doesn't have a clue what the problem is and 
explains that all he said was, "For-an-occasion like 
this you think they would serve champagne."



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One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two
books-- 
the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape,
"Why
are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just
wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he
felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?"
he asked the salesperson.
"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the
$2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The salesperson put the device
around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and 
run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But
when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
--------------
Dear Webby needs one of those!
He would not be anywhere near as hilarious with telemarketers,
if he got a real hearing aid.
With friends he uses Skype and cranks the volume, and has
no problem at all.



A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the
bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will
help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the
rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a
wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the
clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would
probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain
the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of
the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he
swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the
party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50,
WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"



What's the difference between cheating on your taxes 
and cheating on your wife?
If you cheat the government they still want to screw you.



NEW RECIPE SECTION, 
thanks to Sr Anna

    Rum Balls:, Two Variations for Today
 
First Recipe:
    2 1/2 cups vanilla wafers    
    2 tablespoons cinnamon or 11/2 tablespoon cocoa and 1/2 tablespoon cinnamon, depending on your taste preference.
    1 1/4 cups powdered sugar
    1/2 cup spiced rum (Spiced Rum) or 1/2 cup Bourbon
    2 tablespoons white / clear corn syrup
    1 cup pecans (broken into small pieces)
 
    Directions:
    Sift the cocoa with 1 cup powdered sugar.
    Stir in the spiced rum mixed with the syrup.
    Add crushed vanilla wafers and nuts.
    Mix thoroughly.
   Shape mix into walnut size balls and roll in left over powdered sugar.  You can leave them plain, if you like.
   Store in a tightly closed container for at least two days, but a week is best. 
 
                            ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Second Recipe:
    1/4 cup of raisins
    1/4 cup of dried apricots
    1/4 cup of small orange bits (grated orange or dried).
    1 cup coarse Graham cracker bits
    1/2 cup coconut
    3 heaping teaspoons of cocoa
    3 cubes of Semi Sweet Baker's Chocolate, shaved
    1 teaspoon of vanilla (Use real vanilla, please.  The other is made from wood shavings.}
    1 teaspoon cinnamon.
    3 teaspoons coarse ground hazelnuts
 
    Directions:
    Soak chopped raisins, dried apricots, orange bits and hazelnuts, 
1 teaspoon of vanilla, 1 teaspoon cinnamon and coconut in rum overnight.   
    Crush graham crackers, but not fine! Should be quite coarse.
    Add cocoa and shaved semi-sweet Baker's Chocolate.
    Add chopped or coarsely ground hazelnuts.
    Mix it all together and form balls the size of of a large walnut.
    If they are too sloppy, knead in more crushed graham crackers. 
   They should just barely stick together and not fall apart..
    Roll the balls in coconut, put them into a snap-tight tin 
       or air tight plastic container and let them cure AT LEAST 48 hours.

Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna


PLEASE Let me know if you like the new recipe section!




Groundhog Day







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Since 1/1/11

             Countries

Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, February 1

Due to lack of gullible warming, it is colder in Britain and
most parts of Europe, than it is in the Antarctic. 

If you know of anybody, who can afford a 2 cents per day
newsletter, PLEASE tell them about me!
Hopefully we don't have to pause until after the election!

Enjoy!
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	


After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband
looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make
love to me like that?"

"Are you kidding ? Do you have any idea how much they
pay those people to pretend to be that much in love ?"



A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in 
New York City.  He tells the saleslady, "I would like a 
Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B." With a quizzical look 
the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" 
He repeated "A Jewish Bra - She said to tell you that 
she wanted a Jewish Bra, and that you would know what 
she wanted." 

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady.  "We don't get 
as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our 
customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation 
Army bra, or the Presbyterian type." 

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "Oy, what 
differences they are ?" 

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple.  
The Catholic type supports the masses.  The Salvation 
Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps 
them staunch and upright." 

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked 
"So, what is the Jewish type for?" 
"They are like the Baptist bras." she replied, "They make 
mountains out of molehills, but are pointed straight forward."

--------------------------
And then there is the "Job Interview bra"....



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One day a little boy walked in on his parents having sex. 
He was in such shock that he ran to his room and hid in 
the closet. His father came in a few moments later and said 
"Don't worry son. Your mom and I were just making 
you a little sister." 

And the little boy got all excited and went out to tell all 
his friends about his new little sister. The next day
the dad came home and found the little boy crying in his 
room. 

"Whats wrong?" He asked. 

The little boy whimpered and said,"Well, you know that
little sister you and mommy were making me? 
Today the neighbor ate it!"




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Get ready for Valentines!
Multilingual: "I Love You!"

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass, Get in the truck



From Lorna:
A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to
hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of
chickens pulled up. The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?"

"Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station."

The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck, no
ride." 

She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly." So the
driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his
shoulder. The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no
ride!" 

The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna
throw you in back with the chickens!" 

About two miles down the road, the parrot said, 
"No fuck, no ride!" 

So the driver slammed on the brakes and threw him in back with 
the chickens. 

About two more miles further down the road, the driver heard 
sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled over. 
He got out of the truck and approached the officer. "What's the
problem, officer. I wasn't speeding was I?" 

The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. 
I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing 
chickens out the trailer screaming, "No fuck, no ride!
No fuck, no ride!"



A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician,
who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the
presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed
in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they
waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never
be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but
when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to
a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told
me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police,
had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled
money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not
all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of
understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest
arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor
of being the first one to go to him in confession."


NEW RECIPE SECTION, thanks to Sr Anna
EASY MICROWAVE CAJUN FISH

2 pound pollack fish or Catfish.
Place on a microwave safe plate.

Cover fish with Chef Paul Prudhommes Blackened 
Redfish Magic or your favote Cajun seasoning.

Cook  in microwave for 2 1/2 minutes.
Turn.
Cover with Cajun Seasonings on this side, also.
Cook in microwave for 2 1/2 minutes.

Now you have a dish that seems like you spent all day, 
but only used a few minutes of your time.

Asparaguss Spears and Brown Rice, go very well 
with this meal.  
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna


Let me know if you like the new recipe section!









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Since 1/1/11

             Countries

Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, January 28

"My golden rule is to have a big fat camera man. 
I can't outrun a bear, but I can outrun that camera guy."
--- Jeff Corwin, nature show host

If you know of anybody, who can afford a 2 cents per day
newsletter, PLEASE tell them about me!
Hopefully we don't have to pause until after the election!

Enjoy!
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Four catholic mothers were having coffee together 
discussing (bragging) how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.  When he 
walks into room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a 
bishop.  Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 
'Your Grace'."

The third catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put 
you down, but my son is a Cardinal.  Whenever he walks 
into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, 
male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, 
the women say, 'Oh my God'....."



On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned
ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"



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The sculptor and one of his students went out for coffee after
class. "You have the most delicate, slender hands," said the
student, a rather gorgeous young thing. "Forgive me for saying
it, but they belong on a woman." 

Not only did he forgive her,
he obliged.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter



This man is at work one day when he notices that his male
co-worker is wearing an earring.  This man knows his co-
worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious
about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly.

"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car!"



Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry. Pass the pizza before we do it again."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"










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             Countries