Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Saturday, June 24

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Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 >From Jim If I die a virgin and go to Heaven, do I have to screw a terrorist? Dear Jim, virgins don't go to heaven. They go to hell, just like they have been told all their lives. Would you, or anybody sane, send a virgin to heaven, after you and everybody has told her to go to hell? Not bloody likely, my friend! Ophelia _____________________________________________________ 2 An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around. "I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check." _____________________________________________________ 3 George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house. George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt." George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!" So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK to go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze. George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt. George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!" Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife. Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned." So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room. George's wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!" George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned." His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills. George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?" George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants." ____________________________________________________ 4 A group of four men often got together to play racquetball. After the game, three of the men showered in the locker room, and then went and had a few drinks in the club bar. After this had been going on for some time, one of the three men asked the man who always left, "How come you never hang around and get showered and have a few drinks with us?" The fourth man seemed a little embarrassed, but he admitted that he didn't want to be seen in the shower with the other men because he felt his penis was small. So the first man asked, "Does it work?" "Of course," said the fourth man, "it works extremely well." So the first man asked, "Would you like to trade it in for one that looks great in the shower?" _____________________________________________________ 5 Here is a Classic: Mary's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. So she made her husband agree to a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And then I start all over again the next day." So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas!" And what are YOU, , going to be in the next live? _____________________________________________________ 6 A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had good sex for over a year and is considering divorce. After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he says "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom". She can't believe it... at last he's going to pay her a bit of attention. They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall" "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY... I like it." She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates. "The boys down the pub were right," he says, "A Goatee WOULD look good on me!" Shortly afterward he had an intimate encounter with a cast iron frying pan and a rolling pin, just before flying down the stairs. The flying was not too bad, but the landing was rough. =====================================================



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