Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up day after tomorrow. She's going to let the County bury her!" ____________________________________________________ 2 >From Evelyn Story of a woman who just turned 47 years old When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boy friend. So I decided I needed a passionate guy.but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stabilty. When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never setting on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. When I turned 31 I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend I am now 47and I am now looking for a guy with a big dick. ____________________________________________________ 3 A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger, who was dressed like a typical Democratic congressman, pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and demanded "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too." ____________________________________________________ 4 Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an hillbilly, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knew, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. Gentlemen," the Devil started, "due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then ste pped up and said, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. ''Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The hillbilly then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The hillbilly then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the hillbilly, " it's from my asshole." The hillbilly went to Heaven. ____________________________________________________ 5 A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those....." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn." ___________________________________________________ 6 Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?" He answered, "I hunt unicorns." The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?" The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare." The first hunter said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!" ___________________________________________________ 7 After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979." "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac." ___________________________________________________ 8 A woman's parrot died one day and she went to the pet shop to get a new pet. The store clerk offered her lots of different options but she refused all of them saying that she wanted something different. He pointed to a normal looking parrot in the corner of the store. "Ya right!" "It's a special bird. It's called the chomp-chomp bird." "What is so special about that?" "Tell it to chomp chomp anything and it will eat it!" "Let me try it. Chomp chomp desk." CHOMP! CHOMP! The bird ate the desk! The woman proceded to buy it for two hundred dollors. When she got home she took it to her husband's office and said, "Chomp chomp desk!" CHOMP! CHOMP! The bird ate the desk. When her husband came home he saw the bird and said, "You and your pets. When one dies you have to get a new one!" He went to his office and saw his desk missing. He called for his wife and asked, "Where is my desk?" "The Chomp Chomp bird ate it." She was holding the bird and her husband yelled, "Chomp chomp bird my ass!" CHOMP! CHOMP! =====================================================


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