Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 >From Bill My children have succeeded in driving their mother crazy. So complete is their success that I find myself frequently uttering these once unthinkable words: "Honey, you need to get out. Go ahead, call a friend and escape for a while. I'll take care of these---things." With that, she's out the door in 2.5 minutes. She calls me from her cell shortly thereafter, "Hi, Honey. What time would you like me home?" "Anytime," I say. "Just have fun." "OK," she says excitedly. "See you Sunday after New Years." Click. ____________________________________________________ 2 A newly weds went for honeymoon in train from Delhi to Mumbai. Due to the heavy booking they had to sleep on separate berths. The husband told the wife, to make it easy, you just tell me that you want a chappati, then I'll climb onto your berth and we can make love. So, as the train moves an hour later, the wife calls the husband, "Darling, I want a chappati." The husband gets on with the task. When finished, the husband returned to his berth. This process went for about THREE TIMES, and the husband had no choice but to oblige his new, young and beautiful wife. What a nice honeymoon! In the morning they sat in the buffet car for breakfast. The husband asked the wife, "How was the chappati last night?" The wife replied,"I liked the FOURTH chappati... the best!". The husband was surprised and said, "I thought I gave you only THREE chappatis!" On the next table replied a husky Sadarji, "I found the oven was still warm so I fried my chappati there too!" ____________________________________________________ 3 My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.. So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ____________________________________________________ 4 My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ____________________________________________________ 5 >From Jim Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... ____________________________________________________ 6 A guy worked for 30 years at the same factory. He got off work at 3:30, and was home by 3:45 every day of his life. On Fridays, he came home and gave his wife his check. One Friday he was walking towards his car, and one of his co-workers asked if he wanted to go out for a beer. He'd never been asked before, so he said, "Sure, why not?" One beer lead to another and that led to his first wild night out with the boys. Finally about 3:00 am he comes staggering thru the door. His wife is waiting for him and asks, "Where have you been?" "Well," he said, "I went out with the boys for a few beers." "You did, did you?" his wife fumed, "Well, just how much money did you spend?" "As a matter of fact, I spent about $100.00," he said. "$100?? Do you know how long that would last me?" the wife yelled. "Well, " he said, "you don't drink, you don't smoke and you've got your own pussy... I guess it could last you forever." ___________________________________________________ 7 A sweet young woman took her seat on opening day of her college class. The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and asked, "What are you doing wearing a football jersey?" The girl replied, "Why, I bought it and own it. Why shouldn't I wear it?" He said, "You're not supposed to wear it to class unless you've made the team." "Oh," she replied sweetly. "Who did I miss?" =====================================================

Wishful thinking!
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Ophelia Dingbatter
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