Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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3 day time-out

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and 13 children. "My, my," said the nun, "13 children....you're a good, proper Catholic family. The Lord is very proud of you!" "I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish." "Jewish!?" she replies. "Hmmm....you're a sex maniac, aren't you?" ____________________________________________________ 2 A man went to see the local doctor and complained because his wife was having too many little bastards; she was hav- ing at least one per year. He said, "Doc, ya gotta help me, I can't gets enough welfare or steal enough to feeds em all." The doctor got down his medical reference book and looked up the problem. He told his patient the book said if a man's bitch was having too many brats, he should remove the man's right testicle. He then administered anesthesia with a beer bottle and took out his pocket knife and per- formed the surgery. Three years later the man was back at the doctor's office complaining the surgery had failed; she was still having at least one per year. The wise doctor took his book back down and studied the problem. The doctor said, "Well, the book says if your wife is hav- ing too many brats to remove your right testicle, we've done that. If she still has too many brats, then we should remove the left testicle." Once again he got his beer bottle and his pocket knife and performed surgery. Three years later, the same man was back complaining the surgery had once again failed. The doctor was quite per- plexed and got his book back down. After several minutes of study he told his patient, "It says here if a man's wife is having too many brats to remove his right testicle. If she continues to have too many brats, remove his left testicle. We've done all that. The next page says if the man's wife still has too many brats after you have removed both testicles, you've done castrated the wrong man!" ____________________________________________________ 3 On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding, and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!" ____________________________________________________ 4 An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis, so he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in sand except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the penis sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the object around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. "Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat." ____________________________________________________ 5 There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ___________________________________________________ 6 An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues. Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times. Priest: Are you sorry for your sins? Man: What sins? Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you? Man: I'm Jewish. Priest: Then why are you telling me all this? Man: I'm telling everybody! ___________________________________________________ 7 The Baptist church was having a program, and one of the women was supposed to say, "The ass stuck his head out the window and brayed." The woman didn't want to say "ass" in church. "I just can't say that. Not in church!" she said. "Can't I change the word to 'donkey'?" The other members insisted that she call it an ass, because that's what it was called in the Bible. One person reminded her of the story about Jesus riding an ass into Jerusalem. The woman worried about her line right up until the fateful day of the program. When her turn came, she stood nervously in front of the congregation and said, "The donkey stuck his ass out the window and brayed." ___________________________________________________ 8 One day a little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He was in such shock that he ran to his room and hid in the closet. His father came in a few moments later and said "Don't worry son. Your mom and I were just making you a little sister." And the little boy got all excited and went out to tell all his friends about his new little sister. The next day the dad came home and found the little boy crying in his room. "Whats wrong?" He asked. The little boy whimpered and said,"Well, you know that little sister you and mommy were making me? Today the milkman ate it!" ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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