Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Today is Saturday, October 21

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Marty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking. "Imagine that, Marty," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have." But Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have." "OK, Sadie," said Marty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman." Marty keeps to his word. One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door. Marty shouts out, "What do you want?" Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again." ____________________________________________________ 2 A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies". So she did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and when she was on the bus she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them. So she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies I want bigger boobies." A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" He leaned toward her and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock". ____________________________________________________ 3 A young man checked into a hotel for a few hours of pleasure with a girl from the office. The young man turned on the bath. Occupied with a romantic interlude, he neglected to turn off the water in time, and a flood ensued. From the room below, a man yelled up, "You dumb so and so! Turn off the gd water!" "The young man called out, "What kind of language is that? I happen to have a young lady in my room!" The man from below answered, "What do you think I have down here, a duck?" ____________________________________________________ 4 Did you know that Moses had to make a third trip up to the top of Mount Sinai? Well, on this third trip, Moses arrived at the burning bush after much climbing, removed his sandals, kneeled and prayed to God. "Oh mighty God, King of the Universe, your people have sent me back here to ask you a question about the Ten Commandments." "What question do they have for me?" roared the voice of God. "They want to know whether the commandments are listed according to priority." ____________________________________________________ 5 Q: How can you tell what clan a Scotsman is from? A: You put your hand up his kilt, and if he has a quarterpounder, he is a MacDonald. ____________________________________________________ 6 Then there was the time when Sandy happened to sit by a journalist on a train. After some conversation it came out she traveled a lot and always traveled alone. "Aren't you worried something can happen to you?" asked the journalist. "And your friends certainly must feel some concern for you." "No, I've never been afraid. But I should call someone soon to let them know I am still alive. By the way, all I need are three little words when I want to be left alone." "And those are...?" "Are you saved?" ___________________________________________________ 7 If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus. If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton. =====================================================



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