Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Tuesday, February 28


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A frantic mother called her pediatrician at two in the morning. "Doctor," she yelled, "My baby just ate an entire tube of K-Y jelly! What do I do?" "Well," came the response, "if you really can't wait, call an all-night drugstore." _____________________________________________________ 2 A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks. "About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!" _____________________________________________________ 3 Richard and Jeannie decided to "go steady". Several weeks later he was quite pleasantly surprised to find she was very adept at sex. "Have you done this before?" he inquired. "Yes, but just once." Jeannie replied. "Oh? And with who?" Richard asked. "The Varsity Football Team, but just one year." she said. _____________________________________________________ 4 My wife and I and our three-year-old daughter Carrie were visiting friends who had a newborn child. When the infant began to cry, the mother started up the stairs to the nursery and asked Carrie if she'd like to help. Thrilled, Carrie followed, and after a few minutes, the crying stopped. Suddenly, we heard the baby start crying again, even more loudly than before. Soon Carrie appeared at the foot of the stairs and said proudly, "Daddy, I helded the baby!" As an English professor, I couldn't help saying, "That's nice, Carrie, but what's the past tense of 'hold'?" She paused for a moment, looked down at the carpet, and in a soft voice responded, "Dropped?" _____________________________________________________ 5 Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any chance of contact, which could happen pretty easily, since he had been desperate for quite a while. Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of her night table, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him "Awww, honey, you're so depressed. Here, take this & go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight. Remember now, this happens only this once. OK ?" The husband can't believe his ears, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says dejectedly, "Crystal says this is not enough, she wants eighty." The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Why that damn bitch. When she was pregnant & her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty." _____________________________________________________ 6 A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink. "I'll have a bourbon and Coke!" The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?" "I'll have a Scotch and soda -- light on the soda," says Rover. The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "that dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!" "No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself -- but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog." The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone. "Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight." "Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper." "Let's go look for him," said the man. The two went to the drugstore -- no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets -- no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away. Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!" "First time I ever had any money!" =====================================================

College drama sure is not what it used to be!
Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter
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